I wanted to let you and your drab, insipid heart know that every single human being deserves their space. All of us. We deserve that. I wanted to let you know all of this. I think it may have slipped your hazy mind. Tread lighter on others or do not tread at all.
Who are you when you are a stranger to yourself?
We deserve our own little bubble to recuperate and rejuvenate. We deserve our personal time where we can shut the world out and let ourselves delve deeply into our own. We are allowed to switch it off. We deserve to shut off everyone and everything for a few breaths. We are allowed to sort ourselves out. We are very much entitled to feel sane and okay. We owe ourselves. We owe ourselves for letting every piece of the outside world into our racing minds. We owe ourselves for taking action on the portions that bother us and for swallowing the enjoyable portions. We open our spirits to all of it. We acknowledge the chaos and clutter of the people we surround ourselves with – we acknowledge the disarray and disharmony of the world. We breathe this in and we mull it over. We bury it inside ourselves instead of letting it all go. We deserve to let it go.
This is for us. This is our sacred territory. You are welcome to it because we granted it to you.
We allow our whole beings and our energy and our auras and our souls and our essence and our spirits to be taken in the greatest hopes that these segments will replenish on their own. We shed that nourishing exoskeleton in hopes that it will grow back tougher and more giving. We do not expect anything in return from others. We are sincerely sanguine in that these fragments will refill and that we can be less tired when they do so. We allow all of ourselves – every tiny, dewy drop – to be devoured and digested by anyone who is in need. We let them soak it up. We let them drink it in. We watch them absorb it. We let them do what they will with it. We do this genuinely believing that we can quell their deeper, emotional pains and worries. We want to aid them and give back. We want them to have love. We trust that they deserve this love and will pass it on to the next person who deserves and needs and wants. We are givers. We are lovers. We are generous. We are true. We are kind. We are empathetic. We are yours for the taking.
I gave this to a human once. I gave them everything I had. I heard the cacophony of my popping cells as I gave bigger bits of my whole, true self away. I carried this particular human’s little bird heart in the palm of my hand. When it started to crumble, I glued it up and watched it heal. I placed this heart in the sun to warm it. I felt my shoulders become heavy from everything that this heart needed. I acknowledged that the sinews of my body began to feel led-filled but I carried this little heart. I defended it when it ached. I fought for it when it bled. I believed in it when it felt hopeless. I caressed this heart when it began to break into fragments. All of this heart’s needs and wants and worries – I took those. All of this heart’s pains and inner turmoil – I grasped those. All of this heart’s suffering and deep sadness – I held those.
I thought this heart was gold. I thought this heart was pure. I thought this heart had meaning. I thought this heart had depth. I thought this heart would reciprocate and give back and love.
I let this heart steal my words and follow my lead. I watched this heart slowly attempt to morph into me. I heard this heart disregard my unconditional love. It devoured and destroyed. This heart took too much. This heart had no soul or empathy or love. This heart did not even give the body it belonged to a pulse.
My mental vigor was fading. My patience was a tiny piece of thread that needed to be cut cleanly and nicely. I cut that it immediately before it tore. You did not deserve me. You do not deserve anyone. You had your chance and you took advantage. All eyes will see when you self-destruct. All ears will hear you calling and ignore it.
I watch you and your puny heart pour yourself into an act. I watched the entire show endless times. I watched you make vast attempts to be me. You do not know who you are.
Who are you when you are a stranger to yourself?
I watch you blame every person and feel sorry for yourself and scream murder and play victim. I watched your mania explode. I watched it skyrocket. I watched you try to ride that high and fail. I watched your brain try to do a thousand things at once. I watched you try to be the angel in every situation that you are at fault. I watched your heart darken and shrink. You infect and infest. You are a thick and heavy mold that blackens our lungs. We cough. We choke. You make these ludicrous attempts to mold into others. A human mold. Are you a human? Perhaps a poor excuse for one. I cannot help but wonder – do you even have a heart or are you some type of robot playing house and pretending to be human?
Who are you when you are a stranger to yourself?